Anxiety, Wearing My Nerves Thin.

This past month has been an emotional roller coaster; from so homesick I couldn't even look at a family photo without bursting into tears, to so happy and joyful I wanted to dance and sing in the streets, it seems as though each day will bring a new heightened and over-dramatized emotion.

I think the biggest thing driving this emotional ride has been the finally real and tangible thought of "going home". For years my fellow volunteers and I have been talking about what life will be like at "home", when we are finally back to America, the place we love. Some volunteers have been counting down since we got here.

Now, four months out, I can't understand why the thought of resuming life in America makes me want to throw up.

Will I be able to function? Will I be able to work a job? Will I be able to get back to the work needed for graduate/ law school? Will I be able to interact in social situations? Will I be the "weird" one? Will my life be as amazing and fulfilling as I remember? Will I be able to support myself financially? Will the stupid economy every recover? Will I remember how to find/ buy things? Can I contain myself with the plethora of outstanding food around? Will I have any people around? Will I be able to make new friends?

I don't know why the thought of going home seems so scary. After all, what could be scarier than moving to Morocco. knowing no one?

It seems ironic that I am twenty months into the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done. and yet the thought of returning home, the safest place I know of, seems frightening. I think for now it's just jitters and nerves. I know my fears will be unfounded.

I hear a lot of volunteers and read a lot of articles talking about how "coming home" is even more difficult than leaving. That finding fulfillment and joy in coming home is difficult. That scares me. Could it really be that hard? Will my adjustment be bad?

In my quest to see if there was more information out there to calm my frayed nerves I found the Peace Corps book they send to families of volunteers titled, "Peace Corps,  A Few Minor Adjustments," which by the way, seems like the most ironic title possible. In there was a quote I particularly liked and one that might explain my anxiety better.

Most of us agree that although we knew the Peace Corps was go- 

ing to be hard, it is often hard in a different way than we expected. 

We all worried about adjusting to the bugs and the heat, but that’s 

the easy part. It’s more of a challenge to get used to dealing with a 

perplexing bureaucracy … or cultural barriers.

Maybe this is it, that the anxiety is rooted in the idea of American culture being somewhat different than I remember and that I will be less able to adapt.

I know this is just ranting for now but my with projects wrapping up, my sister and friend's visit. and the thought of looking for work next summer, my nerves are being tested. Thanks for bearing with me. Your support is KEY and appreciated. 

Also, my hot shower should get installed tomorrow, God Willing (InShalla) after nearly five months of begging. Better late than never I guess, and just in time for the coldest season!

I love you all. Thanks for hanging in there.